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[07 Apr 2002|01:41pm] |
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It's been a long time since I umm posted in this journal
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(5 Spit | Spit It Out)
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[09 Jan 2002|11:59am] |
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mood |
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I would be posting all this is Dyked_out_punk, However I do not have my password to my screen name to get into my mail and verify my password for Dyked_out_punk, So i will be using this one from now on.
First of all... I went to the harbor lastnight after walking alot and saw my brother, he took the liberty to ask if I was okay, and we sat and talked. He showed me scars from where he slit his wrists, Because of his girlfriend Amanda, But never once did he blame it on her, For she did not slice his wrists, and did not tell him too. He takes responsibilty for what he did and would never think of blaming Amanda.
Hilary, I do not feel good about what i did, But I also know I did not put those cuts on your arms and wrists, I did not put you in the hospital, of course I take blame for what i did, after all I fucked your life over again, did I not? I know what I do affects other people, and I know my friends or who was my friends look down on me right now, But life goes on your 15 years old, you have time to grow.
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(4 Spit | Spit It Out)
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| Dear Life, |
[29 Aug 2001|04:54pm] |
Dear Life,
I am a so-called ugly duckling to the life I live. I am admired by the wrong people and spit on by the right people. Is worthless what I am? My Mother left me when I was two-weeks old. My Dad gave me up at eight. My Aunts, Uncles and Cousins raised me to be the un-mannerly, hating Lesbian that you see before you today. I don't bother to call my mother, and I am doing my best to escape from my father, He feeds me shit, just to keep me a day longer. No, It won't happen, Baltimore is not my home, Donald Bruce is not my Dad, He is my Father, the man who gave sperm to make me. Wendy Boise is not my Mom, She is dead, and then you ask me where's the death certificate, Hold On, I will go make it. My brother is the only one I can say is related to me, He is my sibling, My flesh, My blood, My DNA. My girlfriend loves me, as I love her. My friends care about me. Could these people be my lost family? Are they the family I could never find untill now? Sure, I see no reason why not. I hear more words of wisdom and feel more love from them then I have ever felt from My mother, Cousins and even YES my father. I am happy now at the age of 16, with my new friends, My new home, hopefully I will be happy at my new school. And most of all, I would never have felt like this, if I have never met Hilary, after all I am moving with HER. I am going to the same school as HER. I have fell in Love with HER.
Untill Next time Life,
Krystle
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(1 Spit | Spit It Out)
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| Continued |
[29 Aug 2001|03:26pm] |
She sat there feeling empty and thought of herself as morbid to the world. At Two a.m on a wed morning, she rose up out of bed, for the first time in a month, She heavily walked into the bathroom, that was located 2 rooms away from hers.
She sat down on her marble style toilet and broke down, she burried her hands into her face, the tears drips down her cheeks, through her fingers and onto the floor. She then removed her hands from her red swollen eyes, she wiped her tears on the neck of her shirt and stood up from the toilet, she walked over to her sink and grabbed a straight edge razor that lay on a glass shelf, right beneath her medicene cabniet.
The thoughts of suicide ran through her mind like train going Two-hundred miles an hour. Finally, suicide won her over, With the razor in her right hand, she lowered it to her left wrist, without hesitation, and in a horizontal motion, she slowly cut, across her wrist hitting every main vein, She stood there watching the blood become thicker and poor out faster, This only took place for 30 seconds, she then collapsed on the cold tile floor, Not Ten minutes later did her heart fail. Her fair color skin became disgustingly white, her red full lips became purple and blue, her deep blue eyes became cloudy, her left wrist fell next to her head and her beautiful brown hair became red and matted from the blood. No one knew, No one could care, No one found her, Her corpse still lays on her bathroom floor, rotting into the house, she now is the cold, the dark and the lonliness that drifts through her walls.
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(2 Spit | Spit It Out)
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| I am not done it, But I got bored again. |
[29 Aug 2001|03:19pm] |
She stared up at the ceiling with darkness flowing through her deep blue eyes. She took her left hand and stroked her soft, red hair, that lay just above her shoulders. She stiffly laid in her firm, cotton textured bed, with her perfect body, But perfect is no where near how she felt inside. Depression poored through her like a bursting dam. The room made things no better, It was cold, dark and lonliness drifted through the walls. The days were long, the nights were empty, as was her heart. She then said to her self in a soft voice.
? I have no reason to go on, I have no reason to get up, I am going no where, I have no one and No one has me.?
TO BE CONTINUED....
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(Spit It Out)
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| My Father is... |
[27 Aug 2001|03:21pm] |
A test for you on my father:
My father is:
a)Skinny
b)average
c)fat
The answer is C) FAT.
My Father is:
a)Dysfunctional
b)blind
c)Emotionally screwed
d)All Of The Above
Answer: Fucking D) all of the above
My Father thinks I am:
a)Intelligent
b)worthless
c)Un-Human
d)Screwed up
Answer: all except A.
Nice Fucking short quiz..Isnt it.
I want to go to school. I need edumacation. I miss it, believe it or not. I want a place to call home. I want to be in a non-dysfuntional envoriment. I want alot of things GodDamnit.
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(1 Spit | Spit It Out)
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| It's True. |
[25 Aug 2001|02:44pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Umm, No Music Just silence. |
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[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<font [...] baltimore.>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <font face=arial><font color=green><font size=2
Yeaup, I am back in Baltimore. <lj cut> Not forever, but I miss Hilary already, My dad wants to take me out to eat, and to get my hair dye. Hey Hil, My dad is gonna buy Faygo. Yay Yay! My house Is clean, OMG. La la La La..Doo doo, shooby doo. Umm yea..Im bored...I want some re-fried beans, with salsa and sour cream and chesse. mhmm. I hafta pee. isn't that nice? My dad was wearing a chick shirt when I got home, he needs to shave.
Everyone likes my hair even though it's really short, and in more family news, My aunt is Maryland's Most Wanted and my cousin Cindy was raped and robbed. I just love the city. It's hot here, its dirty, it's Blah!;. Oh oh Oh I really hafts pee, but I will wait, yuh. |
(Spit It Out)
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| Is It Love? |
[24 Aug 2001|10:30pm] |
I don't care if it's not in poem form.. I am to damn lazy to do it at least moment.But hey, It wouldn't hurt to tell me wha chu think...
I came into your life, not knowing what to do,
Only thinking that my life was being spent with you.
Now I am here and destined to stay,
Trying only not to get in the way.
At such a early age,
We have hit the biggest stage,
We exchanged that little word,
that means so much to me.
And experiencing this love has only made me free.
We share our feelings,
We share our thoughts,
we share only, what Love has brought.
I give you my love, and you keep it all,
and I still don't know how hard I'll fall.
In love with you,
In love with you're smile,
In love with your beauty,
It makes it worth while.
I will not leave,
unless you tell me so,
even then, It will be hard to go.
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(2 Spit | Spit It Out)
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| Anime Lesboz |
[23 Aug 2001|03:32pm] |
This is what I live for hahahhahaaaaaaaaa...Anime Lesbians..Going at it.
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(Spit It Out)
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| Pardon me! Is That French? |
[22 Aug 2001|01:26pm] |
God Damn fucking, shit, stupid dumb whore, Lazy 2 timing hooker on the street, gutter trash slut, Pimp fucking, 50 cent uncle screwing, city shit, Dish water, potty mouth, just like a mini mart, open 24/7, dirty, fish smelling, crab infested, lice head, rag wearing, pooter smelling, dick sucking, ass licking, fucked in the anal, Tittie Screwed, everything but your ears a virgin. pot smoking, crack sniffing, heroin shooting, binge drinking, Poor excuse for a decent American.
Okay now since that's out.. How is every one doing on this fine day? Excuse me, Do you have any grey pupon? Bite The Fucking Curb! (American History X) Thank you, Everyone and Have Great Day.
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(1 Spit | Spit It Out)
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| Im NoW UpDaTiNg My EnTrIe'S |
[21 Aug 2001|12:18pm] |
Shannon, I love ya. That's all there is to it. You don't have to even think about what's going on with me, but you do and that makes me wanna say "Awe, Im gonna cry". To have friends that actually would sit down and type out how they want me to do good and want me to be happy, Well, I am so glad that you and I are friends. If we weren't things wouldn't be the same. Cuz you know you my homie, Right dawg?
Drum Roll Please!
Last night, How can I describe it? I am not exactly sure but I will say this... I am no longer Sexually deprived, I had sex Last night, yesterday afternoon, and the night before that.. But Last Night was great, I am not sure How Hilary thought of it, But I was there and so was she... Who else would be there? Not Odis. Man But Last night, Im not even going into detail.. I dun think Many people wanna hear about it.
And Last but Not Least, Papers for me to move here are FUCKING Two-Hundred Dollars. What The Fuck? I don't care though I will pay the damn thing if it means for my Address to be 5788 Stevens Forest Road. Hilary's dad founs out about my charges with the Federal Hate Crime. I don't think he liked that too much. Did he? But like I said The Conversation with Hil and Him is not over just yet.. It better not be.
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(2 Spit | Spit It Out)
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| Umm..Yeah |
[19 Aug 2001|07:39pm] |
It's official, Im going back home August The 25th. I am not the happiest person you even met right now. I am highly pissed, and very sad. I tried not to cry last night,But I couldn't hold it in any longer...It was only a few minutes before I stopped.
I have the slightest idea on what I am going to do, When I get back to Baltimore, But I know what Im NOT going to do.. Im not going to get arressted, Im not going to get in any trouble and Unfortunatley enough I'm not going back to school.
I will have to find another job, I will find it when I become content again..Untill then I have nothing to do in Baltimore, No friends, No School, No Hilary, NOTHING. I will most likely keep myself in my house or get on the computer at my aunts.
This will make my life very difficult, It will make Hilary and I become distant, Oh God this is hard. I will go back to depending on my Pop-Pop and grandMom. (Not Good) They are too old to take the responsibilty of a 16 year old drop out. Of course a drop-out is what I have become...
Alright, Im going to stop before I become all teary, don't want to do that, Just wanna have a nice time for what little time I have left.
This
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(3 Spit | Spit It Out)
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| I Forgot A Headline |
[18 Aug 2001|12:58pm] |
I have been at Shannon's since Thursday, It' been pretty good. It was her Birthday Friday. Gary (her brother) Bought her a cake and made Dinner, Which was rather good at that. We were in a Total Gay enviroment. We had Shannon, Hilary, Beth, Kel, and Of course me, That was the lesbians, The Gay guys were Gary, Rob and Zach.
It was fun in a weird way, They gave us party favors in which they were Female Condoms.
Now On another note, Things got a tad bit dramatic, Not to worry. I didn't want to ruin Shannon's B-day..See I love ya babes. Well I will write more later gotta get ready.
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(2 Spit | Spit It Out)
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[15 Aug 2001|01:33pm] |
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Dreaming my dreams-Cranberries. |
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Of all relationship's I have been in, This one Top's them all.
I understand what I am feeling, and I understand How I need to make this work. My relationships have been so much more affectionate, and I love being affectionate, I just have to give her some time to get used to Somethings. I can do that, Things have been great, We have our occasional tiny disagreement's but all in all, I am happy.
I just never had to get used to anything, I alway's had it. But I can wait, I could wait for anything. Hilary and I talked a little bit last night, I don't know if I said exactly what i wanted to say. She doesn't like talking about this moving situation, I understand that, It hurts for me to think of it.
Oh God, Here is this song. (Dreaming my Dreams-By the Cranberries) This song brings tears to my eyes, along with a few other songs on this CD. I only cry when I am listening to it with Hilary...hmm, I guess because we kinda made it "Our Song".
I don't always get out what I want when I talk to Hilary. Maybe because, I don't want to get upset or for her to either. I sometimes wish, That I can tell her everything, But If I do,Things wouldn't be the same. We actually discussed this last night...She says there are soemthings she can't go to anybody about, of course i to understand this...But I Guess I wish she would be comfortable enough with me to tell me somethings, I would be more then comfortable to tell her things, That needs to be said, But also things that bother me.
Im just confused, I guess. I have been for weeks. and for days, depreesed. I am not sure exactly why. But if i do figure it out, I aint postingit on here. -laughs-
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(2 Spit | Spit It Out)
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[14 Aug 2001|08:21pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Goo Goo Dolls-Slide |
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In My 16 years of living, I have seen people die, I have seen a life brought into this
world, Iv'e seen overdosing, drugs, I have delt with drugs, I have seen fights and have been into them, I have been brought into school and kicked out. I have encountered Racism and once was racist. I have had charges pressed, and have been locked up, I have expereinced sex with both genders. I have lost friends and gained them. I have been let down and I have let people down. And the funny thing is Im just starting my life.
Reality keeps hitting me upside the face. I don't know what to think about Hilary's dad talking about Nashville. I am worried. I can't lie and say Im not, I will probably be told not to worry untill, Hil's dad says they are moving. I am 16 years old, I should not have to deal with things like this already, I have fallen in love at a fast past. I have been out of love even faster. I know my life will not end, when and If she moves. I have talked to brother about this, he said, When I move back to bmore get a job, save and we will get an apartment. I do wanna do that, but to think living with out Hilary is one of the hardest things. I am not totally sure how she feels about this. Amanda and I have also talked. She told me to have Hilary move in with me. For that to happen I would have to move with my mom in OC. Once again I do not know how Hilary feels about this, In my opinion, she shouldn't have to make this desicion, she should liver her life as it comes, but if she wants to be with me for uncountless hours and days, I will be happy and will not want to stop thinking this way.
Hilary this part is directed to you:
I love you, you know this. If you move, I will not be the happiset person or the best person to be around. I know you will be 15 in a month. I do not expect you to have to decide your love life this early in your life. I should also be saying this to my self but I already know where I wanna be and who I wana be with. We have discussed running off just to be with each other. I know I would be up for this, if your not I understand. I dont know how you would feel about losing me so early. I can't predict when you move or where, I just feel that if you don't move soon, you will move later, What happens if you and I are still together? If we still love each other just as much or possibly be more? What will you do?
Everybody is here now, I am going.
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(3 Spit | Spit It Out)
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